My first day at the 2013 Minnesota State Fair didn’t have any full-blown epic sightings where the quality of the girl matched a first-rate storyline, but there were five or six sightings that I would qualify as “great”, most of which came after dark. But Sighting #143 from the 8 p.m. hour was without question the day’s best. The Sammy Hagar concert had long ago started as I was searching outside the west side of the grandstand and its smoking area. There was nobody worthwhile there but on a berm about 10 yards away sat an attractive young couple wielding cigarettes.
I approached to take a seat next to them and the closer I got, the more obvious it was that the girl was an epic beauty, a perfect 10 dark brunette who looked about 22 with soft and symmetrical facial features wearing a black tanktop and short shorts (it was too dark as I approached to see what color her shorts were), her bare legs crossed as she attended to her phone. And as I sat next to them, I avoided being suspicious by attending to some actual business, that being removing my shoes and putting those gel-filled inserts that I often do in the final two hours of the evening in order to give some extra cushion for my sore feet. Putting these inserts in has been a good luck charm on a couple of occasions in the past, leading to imminent sightings greatness, and this would be another such case. But I became frustrated after about a minute seated there because the cigarette had still not yet approached her lips. I was resigned to her likely being a loosely committed smoker, but could not have been proven more wrong with the extreme smoking show that awaited me….
The cigarette finally approached her mouth for an extended stay as she wrapped her lips around the cork filter and starting pulling on it with the ferocity of some retro carnival act using his teeth to pull a railroad car. Her ingestion period lasted a good seven seconds before the cigarette came out of her mouth. At this point, a massive cloud of uninhaled smoke hovered in front of her gorgeous face, but within a split second, her gluttonous respiratory system sucked it up like a vacuum, with every trace of that smoke disappearing into her mouth and nose. And then it just stayed there for another five seconds or so, before exiting her face entirely through her nose. Now understand my precarious arrangement here, seated next to this couple on the berm with the boyfriend closest to me while I dangerously observed this madness from a few feet away, my jaw undoubtedly hanging wide open at the awesomeness of what I just witnessed. Even smoking at a relatively slow pace, the cigarette wouldn’t be long for this world with the repeated acts of graphic violence she was perpetrating against it.
I eagerly awaited her next drag and she somehow managed to outdo the first, inserting the cigarette into her mouth and going through a literal three stages of dragging over the course of about eight seconds. It was as if she was about to let loose and end her drag on two different occasions, but just loved the taste and the feel of the smoke so much that the devil on her shoulder just demanded she extend the drag a little bit longer. I could literally see the bright red cherry on her cigarette grow in size as the paper and tobacco withered away over the course of her merciless drag. When it finally ended, I once again got to witness the vacuum effect as a haze of uninhaled smoke in front of her face was sucked back inside of her, followed by a long hold and a 100% nasal exhale. Apparently her mouth was too exhausted from those long drags to go through the extra work of exhaling all that smoke. That job was allocated exclusively to her cute little button nose.
I saw two more drags but didn’t have the vantage point with the boyfriend in the way to tell if they were as inspired as the first two. The boyfriend finished his cigarette first and the gorgeous girlfriend soon followed, crushing her cigarette out on the berm and dropping it to the pavement. They walked away and conveniently gave me the opening to identify her cigarette as a Camel Crush Bold. I had really wished I had scored this sighting during the daytime hours, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized the nightime visual of the huge and growing cherry that accompanied her rapist drags would have been lost if this happened during the day. Still, it sucked not getting a photo, especially when she and the luckiest-guy-in-Minnesota boyfriend walked away and I got to see her full profile and the color of her shorts for the first time. They were skimpy white cutoffs with fraying at the bottom and her pockets hanging just slightly below the fraying. The white shorts were icing on the cake for this masterpiece and I so wanted to smack that perfect ass of hers as it progressed forward, working the shorts in a way I’d been waiting all day to see from a hot young smoker girl. I had a good feeling about this girl when I sat down but she exceeded expectations in a genuinely explosive way.