I’ll always remember June 1, 2002. It’s as close as an antisocial wallflower like me can expect to come to a fetish paradise in the early 21st century. My cousin Jamie (recipient of my #2 sighting of all-time designation) was getting married to her high school sweetheart that day….a wholesome fellow who was expected to tame the wild side of Jamie that came out in her college years (no such luck with that effort). I attended the wedding with high expectations, given all the rumors that it was Jamie’s roommates who corrupted her into the nicotine fiend she had become, and figured that some of these babes would show up at the wedding. But not in my wildest dreams could I have foreseen the evening of smoky bliss I was about to experience.
I attended the wedding ceremony with a contingent of my mom’s side of the family also present. The ceremony was nice, but we didn’t hit our stride until arriving at the bar and grill where the reception and dance were being held. I was among the first to get there and was lucky enough to see a friend from high school named Ryan there, who had social connections in the town and knew both Jamie and the groom. More about Ryan later.
But the tables designated for my wing of the family were perfectly placed towards the stage, allowing me a ground’s eye view of a balcony of tables that would really come into play later on. As I was sitting there engaged in mindless conversation with various relatives, in walks this sizzlingly hot 22-ish brunette (likely a college friend of Jamie’s) with long, dark brown hair running down her back and a form-fitting black dress. I had seen her at the wedding and was struck by how hot she was, and was overjoyed to see her attending the reception as well. She was the hottest girl I would see all evening, which is saying something give the impressive and substantial selection. Within 30 seconds after arriving, she found a place to stand near the bar while conversing with an acquaintance/friend and quickly removed a pack of Camels from her purse. She looked like a smoker, and I figured it was only a matter of time until cigarettes were produced. Unfortunately, I had my back to her and couldn’t watch her devour that cigarette, but I snagged a glance at couple of drags and exhales, and was deeply impressed.
For the next hour or so before and during the meal, she and the decent if not substantial girl in her company were the only girls who would smoke….but the volume of tobacco that she consumed would more than make up for the lack of other girls immediately smoking. This girl was lighting up one after another after another when they traveled upstairs to that balcony, which I determined right away to be unofficially designated as a “smoker’s section”, even though smoking was officially allowed throughout the bar. She was in the company of a dude who I assumed was a boyfriend, but later questioned if he was just a friend she brought with as her date for the evening. The guy was getting busy with the brunette babe and her modest friend, lighting both girls’ cigarettes whenever they extracted one from their packs….and in the case of the gorgeous brunette, it was about every 10 minutes. The food arrived and this girl smoked through her meal, at one point digging out a cigarette in mid-course and beckoning her date to briefly abandon his plate full of food and light her cigarette. It was already shaping up to be an epic night.
Still, I was kind of hoping that some of these other cuties in the crowd would spark up cigarettes, given that Jamie was rumored to have a number of corrupting influences at college. But it wasn’t until after the meals had been delivered that the girls started to go wild. One of the five tables on the balcony was already occupied by the brunette chain smoker and her friend and date, but suddenly I saw a group of four 22-ish chicks, three of whom were bona fide babes, ascending the stairs to occupy another table directly in the line of vision from where I was sitting. Three of the girls instantly produced packs of Marlboro Lights and lit themselves up. There was a hot brunette in the mix who was one of the few nonsmokers I would see all evening, but she was only the second-hottest girl of this cluster of four. The hottest was an amazing blond in the cutest blue mini-skirt who was afflicted with the addiction. And although the three smokers in this group had waited an hour after arriving before they lit up, they made up for lost time by chaining cigarette after cigarette after cigarette for the next hour. I sat below in a state of utter bliss watching two tables of stunningly hot young ladies smoking very heavily. In retrospect, they had to have known I was watching them intently from below.
Now, there was another girl in attendance that evening who I was very briefly acquainted with a few years earlier and who intrigued me that night. She was Jamie’s stepsister Tina, an adorable mix of woman and girl who had just graduated high school the week before. She had light brown hair running past her shoulders and the cutest imaginable face, conveying an image that personified a “girl on the cusp of womanhood” look. But she definitely had a woman’s body tightly packaged in an amazing black dress. I had not seen Tina in a couple of years, and knew she had a reputation for being a good girl in high school. Never would I have imagined she would be this beautiful by the end of high school and NEVER would have I expected she’d follow in Jamie’s footsteps and become a cigarette smoker. So imagine my delighted surprise as I saw Tina and a cluster of friends (two girls and two guys) ascend the stairs to that smoky balcony. Whatever could Tina be doing up there????? The next 30 seconds would tell the tale as Tina extracted a pack of Marlboro Lights from her purse and lit herself up. Oh I had to get a closer look at this!
And with my usual horrific timing, five seconds before I got up to go to the balcony, the cluster of four chain-smoking hotties got up to go downstairs. The good news was that I now had an open table to sit and watch Tina, but the bad news was my other smokers were no longer gonna be there to add to the show. I sat at the table they vacated and the ashtray on the table was overflowing with Marlboro Lights butts….and keep in mind that only three of these four girls were smoking. There had to have been 15 butts in that ashtray in just a little over an hour.
Watching Tina a couple tables down, I could tell this definitely wasn’t her first time smoking as she ingested those smoky carcinogens, but the hottest part of all was that none of her three friends were smoking with her. This group had to move upstairs for the sole purpose of assisting Tina’s cigarette addiction in the most under-the-radar part of the bar where some of her elders would be least likely to see her polluting her lungs.
This spot on the balcony proved an even better venue for sightings than below as I could see Tina close-up (she smoked three cigarettes in the hour or so that I sat at that spot and nervously/playfully twisted and maneuvered that pack of Marlboro Lights in her hands while chatting with her nonsmoking friends) and watch the smoking below. The gorgeous long-haired brunette smoker continued to suck down one cigarette after another in nonstop succession (as black as her dress was, I promise you that her lungs were blacker), but my other major interest of the evening, the blonde in the blue skirt, would go a good 45 minutes before lighting up another cigarette. As I kept looking her way from above, I noticed her making eyes with me several times as well, and wondered if her sudden aversion to lighting up was the result of her hoping I would court her. I know that was what my ego kept telling me at least. But even beyond the Big Three, there were at least a dozen hotties on the balcony and below incessantly smoking by this point in the evening as the dance had just begun, including four of the five bridesmaids still decked out in the bridesmaids’ dresses.
Keep in mind, I was very shy at this time and didn’t really know anyone there, so pretty much stayed to myself fetishing and in some ways standing out like a sore thumb. About 25 minutes into my sit on the balcony, I was bailed out by my friend Ryan who would sit there with me and chat for the next half hour or so, helping me continue to watch smokers. And finally, that blond cutie in the blue skirt would light up another cigarette….and never looked back for the rest of the night, chaining through at least five more before I would leave.
After chatting up on the less-noisy balcony for awhile, Ryan and I decided to head downstairs to the dance. Ryan was a double-edged sword for me. Being in his company helped me seem a little less like a bashful wallflower, but he’s a total pretty boy (think a 20-something John Edwards) who the girls really go for. Next to him, I was suddenly part of the social apparatus of the evening that I was excluded from up to that point, but I nonetheless paled in his shadow. Still, not two minutes after arriving downstairs, the nonsmoking brunette from earlier came over, grabbing both of us by the hands and dragging us onto the dance floor. I’m not a dancer and felt it was just my luck to be beckoned by the one of the only nonsmokers at the bar (but she was very attractive nonetheless), but still enjoyed the social experience. I even got in on the dollar dance with Jamie, which was kind of hot by itself.
When the dancing ended, Ryan and I returned to talk near the bar and the tables on the lower level. The crowd was starting to thin down (it was approaching midnight), but all of the smoking babes were still here. The bar was one giant smoky haze at this point, with the vast majority of the smoke being produced by gorgeous early-20’s chicks. Tina descended the stairs with her group (at least one of whom I believe was a boyfriend), and with most of the adult family members having left at this point, Tina proudly displayed that pack of Marlboro Lights in her hand as she bid adieu to friends.
And right when I thought the evening couldn’t get weirder, I caught Ryan all but drooling over that chain-smoking brunette, the hottest girl there that evening. As attractive as many of the rest of the girls were that evening, this brunette was at a totally different level. Ryan confided to me that he really wanted a piece of that brunette, who at this point was sitting by herself smoking yet another cigarette (by now her own pack of Camels was gone and she was now stealing all-whites from the pack of her date, who smoked far less than she did). I couldn’t believe it because I remembered Ryan being pretty strongly anti-smoking in high school. Apparently, he either had a change of heart or this girl was so hot that even her chain-smoking wasn’t enough of a deterrent. I agreed with Ryan that she was incredible but expressed concern that she already had a boyfriend to which he responded, “I don’t see any rings on those fingers, though.”
I was fully prepared to watch Ryan court this brunette, which I thought would help give me the confidence to go after the blond with the blue skirt, who was making eyes with me with increasing frequency as she continued the second act of her evening smoking binge. Regrettably, even the super-confident Ryan chickened out and told me he was gonna bow out for the night around 1 a.m. With my wingman heading out the door, my confidence was gone so I took a final glance at my remaining nicotine hotties in the crowd and left for the evening, a little disappointed about not having made my move on the blonde.
But the thrills were still not completely done for the evening. As I was approaching the exit door, there stood Jamie about to step outside. I asked her what was up and she said she just needed to get away from the loud music for a minute or so. Unsurprisingly, she extracted a Marlboro Light from her purse in front of the door and stepped outside with me. Standing there in her white wedding gown, Jamie fired up what may very well have been the first cigarette of her married life….and I got to be there to see it rather than her new hubby. We only talked for a minute or so, and I still can’t believe I didn’t exploit her connections with the smoking hotties in the bar (especially the blonde with the blue skirt) for a character reference. My idiocy knows no bounds sometimes.
Even though the evening had one of my characteristically disappointing endings, I walked to my car with a smile on my face that evening. My senses had been overwhelmed by smoke, and when finally sitting in the nonsmoking environment of my car, it hit me how badly my clothes reeked of smoke….smoke that almost exclusively came from the lungs of some of the hottest young ladies I’d ever seen. Even as one of the biggest lost opportunities of my memory, it will remain entrenched in my mind as the smokiest night of my life.