I guess I had taken a brief mental note of a family that walked into the fair gate ahead of me that Wednesday afternoon at the 2013 local county fair, a family that included a dark brunette late teen daughter in a sexy red Minnesota Twins tanktop and dark blue jean shorts, but my main priority at the gate was to get the same hot blond ticket taker chick from the previous night rather than the old man next to her. Unfortunately, I ended up with the old man, and he and the other ticket takers were wearing their obligatory “Smoke Free Wednesday and Saturday” T-shirts that further annoyed me. But I had about three seconds to feel sorry for myself before looking up from the man and seeing a huge geyser of airborne smoke rising from the family that went in ahead of me. At first I noticed cigarettes in the hands of the working-class parents. But then I saw the late teen daughter (I figured she was 18 or 19) had a freshly lit cigarette of her own….and she was boogeying the other direction with cigarette in tow. Only 30 seconds into Day 2 of the local county fair, I knew I had probably already seen the best sighting of the night. Little did I know it would become the sighting to beat for best FCF sighting of 2013….
The girl was really hoofing it to whatever her destination was and I was a good 50 yards behind when I first noticed her, meaning I was damn near running to catch up. Eventually I did but had to continue a brisk pace as the girl was clearly in a major hurry. But however much of a hurry she was in, she wasn’t so distracted as to neglect her cigarette. Far from it. She was dragging copiously while strutting through this fairgrounds at top speed like she owned the place, recklessly and obnoxiously exhaling plumes of smoke that didn’t nail anyone directly but created lingering clouds that people were noticing. Either this girl didn’t know about “Smoke Free Wednesday” or didn’t give a flying fuck because she was doing whatever she pleased. It was such an unimaginably sexy image, seeing this very pretty barely legal dark brunette marching through the fairgrounds with a combination of supercharged summertime feminine sex appeal and complete confidence in her image. Much as I hate tattoos, even the couple small tattoos on her shoulder and ankle couldn’t break my admiration for her. Several people watched this girl zip past them and while nobody said anything, but their body language screamed “is this girl for real??”
There was one brief point where I walked parallel to her to get a look at her face to see if it lived up to the body profile…and it did. She looked exactly like actress Marla Sokoloff circa 2001, the high school girl receptionist from the legal drama “The Practice” at the time (and who played a teen smoker on “Full House” a few years earlier!), and this girl had her same “brash beauty” profile. I hung back after that though so she wouldn’t see me…plus I wanted to see that ass continue its rapid march through the grounds. She ended up walking towards this commercial exhibits building, and I was wondering if she worked at one of the booths and was running late….hence her sprinting. She ended up stopping right before the entrance to the building and crushed her half-smoked cigarette out on the pavement before sticking it into a pack I couldn’t read. She then proceeded inside the building and ended up signing some application form–most likely for some prize drawing–at a booth for this retirement home in town, briefly interacting with the middle-aged women running the booth while doing so. This was what she was in this epic hurry for!??!?! Whatever the case, I sat at an open bench inside the building waiting to see what would happen when she was finished. I’d get my answer in only a couple of minutes as she strutted past me within mere inches of me. It was so tempting to just lift my hand to touch that world-class ass of hers but I somehow resisted…..
Now this girl hadn’t let me down one damn bit since I first laid eyes on her so I had high hopes the cigarette would be relit as soon as she exited the building. Her streak of not letting me down continued as the first thing she did upon walking through that door was to fetch what remained of that cigarette she had just put out. I stood outside observing in awe as she let the half-smoked cork filter dangle from her lips from a couple seconds before relighting it. Sweet Jesus did I want to copulate with this girl. And in moments she was met by a couple of hot dark blond friends who seemed to appear out of nowhere. I was hopeful for additional smoking among the friends, but they never lit up. It was cool though because while these girls were hot, they lacked the brunette’s volcanic IT factor. The newly formed threesome progressed through the grounds, the brunette still unashamedly brandishing her contraband cigarette through the smokefree grounds almost daring someone to say something so she could put it out on their face….
I was fiddling with my phone at this point trying to snap some photos. It’s so hard to take frontal pics in motion without getting caught but I got some marginal ones and a couple of nice rear photos. But I’m grateful that I lifted my eyes from my phone long enough to notice her best exhale of the day….a blast that chugged out of her face like a gush of exhaust from a coal-powered 1870s freight train going up a big hill. Best of all, one of the two nonsmoking friends was acting as unintentional interference because she would ending up wearing that exhale right in the face. The trio continued down the midway and I was gonna identify that cigarette butt even if it was my last act on this planet. She made it easy for me by dropping it to the dirt after her final drag and then standing in line at the ticket counter. The smoldering butt was a red logo Camel cork filter. I hovered in the general area and in moments my smoker babe and her two girls met back up with her parents briefly while getting in line for carnival rides. I’ve been going to this fair since 1982 and never in my life have I had such an exhilirating ride in the moments after entering the grounds….and I don’t expect I ever will again!
I did a quick loop around the main part of the fairgrounds and it was all the reminder I needed that nothing else worth mentioning was going on at the fair at this hour….so I might as well get my ass back to the midway to keep an eye on Marla Sokoloff’s Midwestern baby sister. Not 10 minutes had passed and I saw her and the friends again hovering near the rides. Guess who was smoking another cigarette? I will now defy the second commandment (or whatever the hell it is!) and begin worshiping this “false God” who by herself was rendering the fair’s latest smoke-free night a horrible failure. I snapped a couple other mediocre pics and got one with cigarette in hand, but I had to be careful at this point because there’s no way she hadn’t spotted me by now. But I kept a close distance as she moved to the front of the midway, continuing to smoke away on her second cigarette of the last 10 minutes.
The hottest part was when her friends found a food stand they wanted to buy from, selling french fries and cheese curds. The stand had a few windows open on all sides and while my brunette was waiting for the others to order food, she paced back and forth next to the stand, and at least one of her exhales flowed right into the food stand. It was just getting ridiculous at this point. The girl was like a time warp from 1981 dropped right into “smoke-free Wednesday” at my local fair. She finally surrendered the butt and crushed it out. I waited for them to leave and I proceeded to identify my second butt from her, but I was confused as this butt was an all-white–a Marlboro Light Special Blend–and her first cigarette was a Camel Red. Clearly there was some sort of wheeling and dealing going on with her parents where she ended up with one of their cigarettes at one of their two encounters. Whatever the case, two butts of two different brands from this sexpot.
The next few hours brought a concert from has-been country group Sawyer Brown, but when I left the concert and began roaming the fairgrounds again around 10 p.m., heading to the midway and who do you suppose I see? The brunette Marla Sokoloff clone, seemingly by herself at this point waiting next to a ride, with yet again another freshly lit cigarette in hand. With cigarettes now $8 a pack, does this girl spend $50 a day on cigarettes?!?!? Unfortunately the third time was not the charm with her as she proceeded between a couple of rides and when she got to the other side of the midway, she stubbed out the half-smoked cigarette and put it in her purse to save for later. Even so, three cigarettes in one night was enough to further cement her standing in FCF Hall of Fame.
And she was far from done. The following night I departed the Dustin Lynch concert before it ended and explored the grounds for sightings. I approached the quasi-smoking area near the south side entrance of the grandstand and saw a cluster of four (two guys and two girls) where a hot-looking brunette who I saw only from the rear decked out in a plaid country girl top and tight dark jeans had a freshly lit cigarette protruding from her fingers. As I got in a position to see her face, guess who? It was Wednesday night’s star smoker….the Marla Sokoloff lookalike, who at this point is running away with the 2013 FCF. Is this girl EVER NOT SMOKING?!??! Unfortunately the positioning here was awful so all I could do was stick around for one drag and it was nice like the rest of her substantial body of work. Nobody else in the group was smoking which made it even hotter. I wouldn’t see her again tonight but I still have two more nights to see if she can further add to her cigarette total.
And she went out with a bang on Saturday night, as I was perusing the midway at around 10:30 well after dark and after the Chris Cagle concert, and there sat Marla 2.0 with two guys and another girl. She was wearing a black and white top and tight jeans and I already noticed something was off with her. I quickly recognized what when all four people in the group stood up to leave, with no cigarettes to be seen, and Marla was staggering around, clearly very drunk. I walked up to the bench they were sitting on and saw a Marlboro Light Special Blend on the ground just below where she was sitting. I just missed her…for now.
It wouldn’t last long though as no more than a half hour later on the front edge of the midway, who do I see parading through the grounds but my Marla Sokoloff lookalike with a fresh cigarette in hand, and her nonsmoking dark blond friend. The two were arm in arm out of necessity because Marla was drunk out of her mind and staggering as she walked. It was kind of cute (at first anyway) as they ended up getting in line at the cheese curds stand, the same cheese curds stand from Wednesday night which she inadvertently exhaled into. As I was watching from the same bench I watched from Wednesday night, a middle-aged woman was offering me her cheese curds and I took a handful not wanting them all but eager to taste a couple. She engaged me in light conversation for about a minute and it didn’t hurt me at all in watching the wasted Marla as she approached the food stand with cigarette in hand, her black and white top disheveled and revealing about six inches of her bare back above the belt line of her jeans for a couple of minutes until she pulled it down. The marquee moment came when she took a drag and exhaled a huge cloud of smoke right inside the food stand. I watched intently as it filtered several feet into the stand and forcing those cheese curds workers to choke on it.
From there, Marla and the nonsmoking friend proceeded into the midway and I followed, determined to ID Marla’s cigarette butt and see for sure what her brand was after the ambiguity from Wednesday. She staggered and scattered about for a couple minutes, taking her usual pace of drags and occasionally eating a cheese curd from a tub she was sharing with the friend. In about two minutes, she lost the cigarette in a convenient spot and the girls approached a carny to talk about something or perhaps ask directions for something. I had a clear opening in the nearly empty midway to follow that smoldering cherry on the ground and ID Marla’s cigarette, another Marlboro Light Special Blend.
I had one final encounter with her around 11:50 in the final minutes of the 2013 county fair, and it creeped me out a little. As I was approaching the exit only seconds after the aforementioned final sighting, there was Marla with her friend, arm in arm and still staggering, with the friend saying “you’re lucky you found me when you did”. Up until that point I assumed she was drunk….but then I looked in those eyes and saw she was high as a kite. Those eyes sent a bit of a chill down my spine, wondering what kind of shit Marla is involved in. Of course, who am I to judge the crazy look in other people’s eyes as the look in my eyes after the adrenaline rush of last night probably was just as crazy? She might have looked at me and wondered what drug I was on!