FCF #4. An Angel Who “Rapes” Her Cigarettes….Two Years In A Row!


Two nights at the 2010 county fair, I had lengthy visual encounters of a girl who would come to define a new term I would invoke in the months to come….the cigarette rapist.  I had encountered only one instance of the kind of extreme smoking this girl specialized in before, and it was my infamous original “cigarette molestor” from the 2008 Minnesota State Fair.  That girl may have been slightly more extreme than this one, but the upshot for this girl was the sheer repetition of her merciless tobacco consumption….

The evening started when Corey and I sat at our favorite spot in the grandstand watching the concert by two-hit wonder country group Love and Theft.  The crowd was pretty sparse as we waited for the show to begin, but it worked to my advantage….although this time not in the smoking area just outside the grandstand, but in the beer gardens on the other side of the fence where a couple girls had already captured my fancy, but it was after the concert started that that beer gardens area really delivered…

Just after the show started, from out of the building portion of the beer gardens and just outside the fence closest to my vantage point emerged this impossibly wholesome looking long-haired light brunette in a conservative black top and jeans.  It wasn’t quite dark and the girl wasn’t that far away, allowing me a pretty good view of her.  I can just imagine a furrowed brow on my face as I observed this, because I tell you if you picked out 100 girls over age 14 at the fair and asked me to pick out the one of the 100 that was the least likely smoker, this would have been the girl.  She looked about 22 or 23 and could not have possibly looked more sweet and wholesome.  Yet not only did she smoke her cigarette, she molested it.  Her drags were always a good 4-5 seconds, and her hold times were a very consistent four seconds as well.  Her exhales weren’t especially cloudy, but they were so disciplined you could set your watch by the straight-forward trajectory of smoke with the first exhale…followed by a brief spill of smoke from a subsequent breath.  Much of the smoke had to be clinging to the insides of her tar-black lungs.  She held a beer in one hand and the cigarette in the other, and I sat there in disbelief at what I was watching…the best smoking performance thus far in 2010 by a girl who was one of the least likely smokers I’d ever seen.

A few minutes after she finished the cigarette, I saw her emerging into the grandstand in front of me in the company of a young girl about 11 or 12 years old.  Wait a minute, I thought to myself, looking closely at this girl’s angellic and YOUTHFUL face.  There is no chance she’s the girl’s mother.  I scratched my head as they kept walking, thinking the mystery was never likely to be solved.  Imagine my surprise when less than 15 minutes later, the two gals are leaving out the very gate they just entered.  Strangely, they separated, with the hot smoker girl telling the younger girl something just outside the gate.  As weird as it seemed, within a couple of moments, the smoker girl re-emerged inside the beer garden gate with another beer and an unlit cigarette in her hand.  She must have really wanted a beer, I thought to myself regarding why she didn’t merely step into the grandstand smoking area on the other side of the fence to have her cigarette.  She rummaged through her purse and finally found her lighter, bringing her cigarette to life and punishing the bejesus out of it once again with massive drags, four-second holds inside her black lungs, and then disciplined expulsions of smoke straight in front of her face.  About halfway through her cigarette, the younger girl emerged on the other side of the fence and they talked through the fence briefly.  When the smoker finished her cigarette, she re-emerged out of the beer gardens and met back up with the younger girl, going back into the concert.  This was a strange routine these gals had, but I wanted to see more of it.

And more I would see….as about 20 minutes after that, the smoker came outside again and this time stepped into the port-a-potty directly beneath me.  I got my first close-up look of her face as she stepped inside, and the absolutely maximum age this cutie could be was 25, but I’m still guessing 22 or 23.  After she left the port-a-potty…you guessed it…she went back to the beer gardens to the exact same spot she was before, only this time she didn’t have a beer.  She had only one function to perform and that was to smoke another cigarette (after another lengthy search in her purse for her lighter).  And suffice it to say she performed her function well!  The way she savaged that cigarette, it would probably qualify as torture under the Geneva Conventions.  She basically smoked the cigarette the same way she did the first two…except in fast forward, almost to the point of supersmoking.  She went no more than five seconds between drags and had that cigarette exhausted of its contents in about three minutes before stomping it and heading back into the grandstand.

What an insanely hot sighting she proved to be.  I would see her after the show in the grandstand, in line with the younger girl in her company to get on a ride.  Seeing that confirmed one thing for me.  She was definitely NOT this girl’s mother and had to be a babysitter or an older sister.  She spotted me as I walked by her in line, undoubtedly recognizing me as the guy who was eyeballing her half the night inside that beer gardens as she raped three cigarettes.  Seeing that face in that dark sky reinforced her fragile and wholesome appearance.  It didn’t seem possible to match that face with what I had just seen this girl do.

That first night was the most impressive, but there was a second act the following night while Corey and I were sitting in the grandstand awaiting a concert by country star Jo Dee Messina….

Just before the concert started, who do I see entering the gates but the previous night’s epic girl….the cigarette rapist.  Amazingly, she looked even more wholesome tonight, with a lighter-colored top that was just as conservative as the one from the night before…as well as another conservative pair of jeans.  Her hair seemed lighter tonight, and I would venture to say she was more of a dirty blonde than a light brunette, but she’s one of those girls where it’s a fine line.  Adding to the intrigue was that the girl was accompanied by two people tonight….the 11-12 year old who I assumed was a younger sister…and a middle-aged woman who I assumed to be her mother.  What’s with these smoker cuties hanging out at the fair with their mothers?

Anyway, the girl waded into the grandstand and took the same path as she did the night before towards the center of the grandstand.  I knew it would only be a matter of time until she had to leave.  And sure enough, she and the mother left the grandstand only about three minutes after arriving.  In my observing this gentle and wholesome looking beauty, I wondered what course of events occurred in this girl’s life that possibly could have led to her becoming such a heavy smoker who was so mercilessly addicted.  With mom around tonight, I thought I might get some context for that observation.  And just like the night before, the girl walked into the beer gardens, this time with mom.

The crowd really ramped up in the grandstand just before the show, and such was the case inside the beer gardens, to the point where my favorite girl was not gonna have the easy access she had the night before to that prime spot right by the fence.  Luckily, I was able to spot her and the mother, standing right in the middle of the beer gardens ground.  It was close to dark at this point and I wouldn’t be able to study her exhales as I did the night before but I was still in a position to see when she lit up.  She and the mother stood there about two minutes with longneck bottles in their hands before the daughter started getting fidgety and began opening her purse.  She must have rummaged through that purse for three minutes before she finally found her lighter.  It was the same story as the night before where she found her cigarette quickly but dug and dug for the lighter.  I can only imagine how infuriating it must have been given how badly she needed a nicotine fix.  Finally the lighter came out and her cigarette was fired up.  But what about mom?  Certainly a girl like this who smokes so heavily and so commitedly had to have picked up the habit from her mother right?  Apparently not because mom never lit up.  Gotta wonder what she thinks about her daughter’s extreme smoking habit….

The women finished their beers and the daughter finished the cigarette…and then headed back in for another adult beverage, this one in a cup and likely a margarita.  In moments, they returned to the same spot they stood before…and moments after that, the daughter went through an identical routine of opening her purse for another cigarette and then searching endlessly for her lighter.  Seriously girl, put the damn lighter in your pocket.  You’re driving me crazy here.  Eventually she found it though and proceeded to light up a second cigarette in 15 minutes and destroy what was left of her obviously badly damaged young lungs.  What I wouldn’t give to have the courage to approach a girl like this and ask her out.  After the second round of drinks, she came back into the concert, looking gorgeous and wholesome as ever.  I wouldn’t see her again that….and the crazy thing is I still don’t even know her brand as she always opens her pack a million feet away.

In what was hands down the best local county fair of my life, she was the best girl by a far sight.

And now the second act of this sighting in 2011 that has nudged it up a notch on my all-time local county fair listings and will easily turn this write-up into the longest for any single girl on my entire blog….

Here was another two-night saga that started mysteriously, as I was sitting higher than usual in the grandstand overlooking the smoking area and beer gardens during the Wednesday evening Beach Boys concert, and wasn’t quite sure if the girl I was seeing was a repeat performance of one of 2010’s most impressive finds.   I was about 50-50 that I had seen last year’s epic two-night cigarette rapist again….my biggest county fair score of 2010 …only in the dark and not close enough to see her face.  Her routine and the way she carried herself (provided it was her) was very similar to what she did last year.  In this case, she and a friend left the concert, went into the beer gardens, gravitated to the middle of the beer gardens, and wholesome cutie wasted no time opening up her large purse and fishing for a cigarette while balancing an open beer bottle in her hand.

This girl had style, but she was too far away to know if she was devouring the cigarette with the same level of nicotine deprivation that she did the year before.  In addition, I never really saw exhales….and that was this girl’s modus operandi last year when I saw her closer up….extremely thin exhales as most of the smoke remained stuck in her lung tissue.  All of this led me to believe it was the same girl…and then she and the friend went back into the concert after the one beer and her cigarette, also similar to last year’s pattern.  But as she walked back into the concert and I watched from above, her hair seemed blonder.  Last year, the girl was on the borderline whether you’d call her a dark blond or a light brunette.  This girl was blonder.  Now perhaps she highlighted her hair or simply has gotten more sun over the summer and it turned blond, but as I watched her reenter that concert, having been convinced it was probably her up to that point, I now had some doubts.  It was killing me not knowing, and all I could do was hope for an additional sighting in one of the nights to come that would give me some confirmation.  Two nights later, I would get that confirmation….

The Friday evening concert by country singer Joe Nichols was in its final 15 minutes, and up to that point that evening, and for the entire fair thus far for that matter, the smoking area outside the grandstand wasn’t delivering the way it usually does.  All this was leaving me a little exasperated, until a spark was ignited that would help me get through the rest of the night.  I saw a familiar image exiting the concert and this time I was at an angle where I could confirm what I thought I was looking at on Wednesday night was indeed what I saw.  And this time I saw her face.  It was the 2010 cigarette rapist.  She had the blonder hair which threw me off because it was more of a light brunette last year, and she wore a black sleeveless top similar to the one she wore last year with jeans, a conservative outfit for a girl generally satisfied with a conservative image.  The hair was up and I must say it takes something away from her.  Both nights last year she wore it down and she looked like an absolute angel.  Wearing it up, she didn’t stand out in the crowd….still pretty but in a more generic way.  Let not your heart be troubled though because she would certainly stand out in the crowd in other ways….

I watched her migrate towards the beer gardens entrance with another girl and the mom, who was also there with her one night last year.  I figured I’d lose them in this big crowd, but was at this point just happy that I confirmed it was her, carrying that big old purse over her shoulder just like Wednesday night and both nights last year.  Joe Nichols was just starting to sing his final song and biggest hit as I resigned myself to the fact that the beer gardens and smoking area were pretty much gonna be a bust tonight….but that’s when the threesome came out the beer garden’s south side gate nearest me….the threesome that included the cigarette rapist.  No standing in the busy crowd this time….they were front and center and I had a front row seat.  Just as I noticed her spilling onto the grass with her mom and friend, holding a beer in one hand, I noticed the other hand was doing what this girl does best….fishing through her purse for her lighter so she could fire up the cigarette that was already between her fingers.  As much as I love this girl, I get the feeling she’s not too bright or she’d have figured out a better way to carry her lighter than in this giant purse.

She finally found it and fired up.  The rapist was back….and let me tell you I was about to flag down that cop that hassled me the night before and report this girl as a cigarette sex offender!  Her drags were still intense and long and also came quite frequently, always about 20 seconds or so apart.  But most impressive about this girl were the hold times.  She was routinely immersed in conversation after a drag, sometimes leaning into her mom to say something or listen to something that was hard to hear over the loud music, and would pull away like eight seconds after dragging….and THEN exhale her smoke.  I swear there were times when 10 seconds would pass before that smoke finally spilled out of her black lungs.  But just as impressive was that it continued to be hard to even see her exhales.  Many long-time heavy smokers seem to exhale pretty thin streams rather than huge clouds, typically because cigarette smoking has become part of their regular breathing routine, but this girl’s exhales were thin to the point of almost being invisible.  My guess is 80% of the smoke stays in those lungs of hers, which have to be a highway tar pitch of black, despite her youth.  I swear this girl must have a giant spittoon next to her bed because she probably has to cough up a gallon of tar every morning the way she smokes.

Nichols was just wrapping up the song when she dropped her cigarette to the grass and crushed it out.  I was sure the smoke show was over, although naturally the thought did cross my mind that this shameless addict would fire up another one before we were able to leave the show.  Me and the crowd I sat with hung back a bit waiting for the place to filter out, and not one minute after my stray “wouldn’t it be great…” thought, I looked to my left and saw my filthy rapist with another unlit cigarette dangling from her lips while she rummaged through her bag for her lighter once again.  Not only is she a rapist…she’s a serial rapist.  I would say that’s punishable by the death penalty but the way this girl smokes the cigarettes will finish her off long before she makes it to the electric chair.  My group was getting up and leaving, but suffice it to say I had some exciting final moments of observation as we walked away, watching this girl rape her second cigarette in just the last five minutes inside that fence.  A night that barely had a pulse was now throbbing as if it had just run a marathon.

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