Mall #8. Supersmoking Teen Girl Squeezes in a Sandwich Between Cigarettes


Back in May 2011, on one of the first genuinely warm days of the season in central Iowa, I had a fairly successful Saturday outing at my favorite area mall, and it was the final moments while driving the last couple loops around the mall of the day in my car that produced the day’s most electric moment.  Driving around the parking ramp in the rear of the mall which leads to three mall entrance points, I could see attractive female smokers on the distant horizon at both entrances but was not in a position to get a very good look at either.  I then drove past the food court entrance and was struck by the babe I saw….an 18ish dark brunette chatting on her cell phone and decked out in a very contrasting outfit.  Her hair was a very dark brown bordering on black and she wore a pair of badass sunglasses tamed down by a pink frame surrounding the lenses.  Better yet, she was wearing a cutesy summer dress….covered by a black leather jacket.  It wasn’t quite the leather jacket-white shorts combination from 2010′s Minnesota State Fair Great White Whale, but I was nonetheless impressed looking through the rearview mirror to admire that outfit as I drove off.  The girl looked like a smoker I guess, but for whatever reason it never fully occurred to me that she might have been about to smoke at that moment.

Thankfully, I decided to make the same loop around the parking lot again, but in the interest of hoping to catch a better glimpse at the two girls at the other entrances who were smoking just out of my sight.  Thank God I made that same loop again!  I made the second loop around that parking ramp, once again failing to get a better look at either of the two confirmed smoker girls I was seeking.  I had resolved to failure and planned to finish the quick loop and then move on, but needless to say that didn’t happen in the final stretch of the loop when I spotted Miss Leather Jacket and Summer Dress seated on the bench nearest the food court entrance smoking a cigarette.  Damn…I had to get a better look at this.  I parked my car at the nearest spot and approached a side vantage point where I wouldn’t be noticeable.

She continued to be on her cell phone as she smoked, and a car pulled up driven by a guy and she approached to talk briefly, no cigarette in sight.  She talked for about 30 seconds before returning to her bench.  For some reason I sensed the cigarette hadn’t been exhausted yet and was proven correct in the most adorable way.  She picked the smoldering cigarette off of the filthy pavement where she left it and placed it back in her mouth.  My heart melted but amazingly the best was still yet to come.  She placed the cigarette to her mouth and took a drag…and then another…and then another.  Very rarely do I get supersmoking sightings, but this girl was practically breathing with her cigarette here.  Now the drags were quick and followed by rapid exhales….we’re not talking about triple-pump drags or anything here.  But I kid you not, there were six drags taken in the course of about 20 seconds before she crushed out the cigarette and tossed the butt into the ashtray in front of her.

What was her big hurry, I thought to myself, and got my answer in mere seconds as she reached down to a wrapper in front of her and started removing a sandwich from it.  My jaw opened in shock at the realization that she had been letting her lunch get cold all this time because her cigarette was of greater importance.

I was so thrilled and intrigued with this girl at this point but was not satisfied with my positioning and decided I could approach her general area and then simply lean against the wall pretending to be text messaging while eyeballing her…..and proceeded to do just that.  It didn’t take her long to finish that sandwich as I sat there, and looking at her she bore a striking resemblance to a couple of girls, one of whom was a regular at the skate park in my neighborhood and who smoked heavily, and the other was a chain-smoking girl I dated in 2009 (who also happened to be a bounty hunter!!!).  Obviously this girl, who looked about 19, was not my bounty hunter, but her look definitely had some déjà vu, especially with those sunglasses.

Now the thought had crossed my mind, albeit the back of my mind, that this girl would finish her sandwich and crave another cigarette, but I thought that after all the hotness this girl had already provided that I couldn’t be greedy enough to actually pull for that scenario.  Nonetheless, not five seconds had passed before she took the last bite of her sandwich before a black pack of cigarettes was produced.  She opened the pack of what I assumed were Camel Crushes and extracted another cigarette, lighting herself up for the second time in less than 10 minutes…and that was with a sandwich in between smokes.  This girl is very good at time management.

Her drags continued to be frequent, but her hold times were nonexistent.  The smoke was undoubtedly being inhaled judging by the reasonably impressive cloudiness spewing from both her mouth and nose but only a couple of seconds passed between the drag and the smoke rolling from her cute face, indicating to me she was either a very eager beginner or else a girl so desperate to fill her body with more cigarette smoke that she didn’t want to linger too long with any single drag.  Unfortunately, she proceeded to open up her pack a couple minutes later and I knew was coming next.  She stubbed out the half-smoked cigarette and dropped the rest in the pack to smoke later before getting up and walking into the mall, giving me one last chance to admire that incredible combination of black leather jacket and summer dress.  It was about 75 degrees and fairly humid at this point, so I can’t imagine how hot she must have been inside that leather jacket, bless her heart.  I proceeded to the now abandoned ashtray in hopes of determining the butt from the first cigarette she smoked but couldn’t determine which one was hers so abandoned the scene.  Still, what an amazing trajectory this sighting took, and was my standout mall sighting from 2011!

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