For nine months of the year, I go for a walk around the Iowa state office buildings almost every day during lunch. But between the cold winter weather, the busier schedule during the early months of the year , and my on-and-off foot pain following a brief bout of gout, I had been derelict in my duties most days in February 2012, going for my lunchtime walk only about once a week. But on one lucky Wednesday it was sunny and in the 40s so I decided I’d take a stroll, albeit a slightly abbreviated one. Not since 2006 when I saw the cluster of cosmetology school girls (Random #3 lifetime) have I been so richly rewarded for going on a lunchtime walk….
As I approached the crosswalk trying to decide which way to walk, the light turned green and I walked across the street intent on going straight ahead but just happened to look to my left on the other side of the street I had just crossed and saw something that changed my mind. About a block away was a young dark blond dressed in professional clothing. Right away my instinctive male motor started running, but I quickly noticed the way she was holding her hand and how it was consistent with what smokers tend to do. And although there was interference with the cars driving by, I saw the hand approaching her mouth and it was official. I had to double back, cross the street, and get a closer look. Judging by this girl’s image, I was far from convinced my wishful thinking would deliver the desired reward.
I crossed the street and was moving her direction. At some point once I was facing her and we were closing the gap between each other, I got my confirmation as she took a hot little drag from a cigarette. I was already thrilled, but now it was a matter of seeing if this girl was worth the hype. First I took note of the clothing. It was a short light brown business dress covered on top by a white grandmotherly shawl that the girl must have worn in lieu of a coat on the warmer-than-average Wednesday afternoon. I’m not sure a cigarette has ever been smoked by any female wearing an outfit like this. As I pressed forward, I was now close enough to admire her face…and I do mean admire. She was a knockout, looked about 22 or 23 and closely resembling the legendary local county fair cigarette rapist (FCF #4)…only EVEN MORE wholesome!!! I had to be careful not to undress her with my eyes too obviously but managed to see her take one drag from a reasonable distance. I wasn’t able to see enough of her technique to fairly judge, but was mesmerized watching that smoke billow from her mouth.
We made eye contact and a sweet smile emerged on her face, giving me the confidence to say hello. I smiled back and said “Hi” as we crossed paths. Her smile broadened and I looked directly at her incredibly beautiful and wholesome features as she responded with a sweet “helloooo”. I continued walking past and by now could smell the smoke lingering in the air. How could a stench this offensive have possibly come from a girl so damn sweet and professional? Now I had to proceed more cautiously as I wasn’t about to let this sighting end, but also needed to keep enough of a distance so as not to make it obvious that I was shadowing her. I hung back for about 20 seconds and then turned around, stopping for a moment to admire her from behind at the moment that her mouth released another stink bomb into the air. I could still hear each click of her four-inch high heels as she proceeded forward, adding even more to her incredible image. She was now at the stoplight where I had crossed the street and crossed it herself as I hung back. Right in the middle of busy Grand Avenue, here was this professional girl walking across the street and shamelessly dragging from her cigarette, exhaling a snootful of smoke to mix with the emissions from the hundreds of cars driving by. I was lucky as she never turned around and noticed that I was following her, allowing me to see the entire show, unfortunately mostly from behind.
She was proceeding in the direction of the Capitol and I figured she was either a legislative staffer or a young lobbyist. Lots of business interests hire cute hotties right out of college like her to sweet-talk the legislators into supporting legislation that benefits their interests…and whoever hired this girl certainly had a worthy advocate in her, at least from an aesthetic sense. I was able to watch her walk away from the crosswalk and she took two final drags. The beauty part is that smoking is banned on the Capitol Complex. There’s some gray area whether that means the sidewalks as well, but this girl didn’t care either way. And as impressed as I already was with her, she wrapped up the sighting in style by piggishly dropping her exhausted cigarette to the sidewalk of the state property that housed the very lawmakers who she was lobbying. The world is her ashtray!
The light turned green and I crossed the street, and I’m sure you know what my endgame was. I eyeballed the sidewalk as I proceeded and quickly noticed a smoldering cork filter on the pavement that I quickly discerned was a red-logo Camel. I picked it up and the second my fingers touched it I was taken aback by the level of moisture on the filter. It was the wettest cigarette butt I ever recall picking up, and the mouth-watering yumminess of the smoke clearly forced this beautiful babe to uncontrollably slobber all over the filter. I looked up and watched her walk off into the distance towards the Capitol building where it would be business as usual for her until the next time she was able to caress a cigarette in her lips, which hopefully wasn’t long. I also suspect some of those middle-aged lawmakers got a whiff of her fresh ciggy stench when she got inside, a smell that’s probably all too familiar to them from working with this girl on a regular basis.