#26. Blond Nicotine Lugie Machine Provides Drought Relief


Those who have read the entries so far on this countdown have undoubtedly already noticed that my walks around my neighborhood tend to produce some of my favorite sightings, and this early June gem was the best sighting my neighborhood produced in 2012.  Only a block from my place and turning onto the sidewalk parallel to a major four-lane street, I looked ahead to see a young couple approaching from a distance.  Up front was a late 20s guy holding two leashes for the small dogs he was walking.  But walking behind him was an early-to-mid 20s blond who I could tell was something special even from that distance.  I was too far away to see a cigarette, but I could tell by the way her right hand was positioned that she was probably holding a cigarette between her fingers.

It was inconvenient to have the guy walking in front of the girl, but as I got closer, it became clearer that she was indeed in possession of a cigarette.  He blocked the view of what I presumed was a drag and I couldn’t see an exhale either, but I did see the girl lean over to the grass and hack up a lugie which was pretty cute in itself.  About 10 seconds later, I saw the girl’s hand approach her mouth and even though I again wasn’t able to see a drag, it was still exciting as each step helped me recognize that the girl was worth the hype looks-wise.  And a few seconds after that second drag, another nasty lugie from the girl.

It was about to be time for our paths to intersect and by now I finally saw the cigarette protruding from blondie’s fingers.  It looked like an all-white but I was definitely not in a position to watch too closely.  The boyfriend looked at me and we exchanged hellos as he and the dogs passed, giving me an abbreviated window to get the closest look I would get at the girl.  She couldn’t have possibly looked more wholesome or more summery, with an enviably slender figure draped in a navy blue tanktop and tan shorts.  She was wearing sunglasses, but even those couldn’t turn this girl into a badass as even they looked wholesome on her.  She looked at me and I exchanged hellos with her as well.  I looked over my shoulder and watched that sweet little butt of hers push forward and that cigarette so fashionably on display in her right hand.

Luck was on my side as I was in a position where I could cross the street, double back, and follow them in a way that it wasn’t obvious what I was up to.  And even though I wouldn’t get another good look at her face, the best part of the sighting would come watching her from behind.  I was able to admire her ass and to see her take those drags with a rear vantage point, and she cooperated by turning her head to the right and exhaling a pretty impressive snootful of smoke the same direction.  But one other feature that had been consistent early in the sighting continued as well…..the spitting.

It’s always cute to see a pretty girl hack up a lugie when smoking, but it usually only happens once per cigarette.  With this girl, a lugie came after every drag.  And we’re not talking some girly little dribble here….we’re talking three-inch long streams of slobbery saliva, and the decidedly unfeminine display could not have contrasted more with this girl’s image.

The couple turned a corner down the block next to where my apartment is and I still had little problem following on the other side of the street.  Three more drags ensued, and right on cue, three more juicy lugies proceeded to be launched from her mouth to the ground, and on this block, they were directly onto people’s lawns.  It was an incredibly dry spring and summer in Iowa and people’s lawns were already starting to turn a little brown by that point in June from the lack of rainfall, but with this girl around, the lawns should receive a sufficient level of moisture to compare to a weekly one-inch rainfall!  It was a truly inspired show, and the only time besides the 14-ish brunette neighbor girl smoking and spitting at my former coworker Steve’s barbecue back in 2007 (my random #10 lifetime sighting), where I saw a smoker girl salivate this much.

In a couple moments, I saw the girl bend down and very meticulously crush out her cigarette on the pavement, which is a bad sign because usually when a girl goes to this amount of trouble to snuff out a cigarette, she doesn’t leave the butt on the ground.  I figured it would be easy enough to see, however, when I walked past as there should be a pretty obvious tobacco smear where she snuffed it out.  Amazingly, when I got there, there wasn’t….because of all things, the amount of dried-out birdshit on the sidewalk resembled the look of the smeared tobacco ash to the point where I couldn’t tell which was which.  Either way, no cigarette butt was to be found in the area, and it looked like she was holding an empty plastic cup and I suspect that cup held the cigarette butt she had just extinguished.

One of the best things of this sighting is that the girl probably lives somewhere in my neighborhood..and with luck I haven’t seen the last of her even though she hasn’t resurfaced again in my walks during 2012.  With even more luck, she’ll get a job as a human sprinkler system next summer to keep all the lawns in my neighborhood green even if we don’t get another drop of rain.  Clearly all she needs is a cigarette and the salivary juices flow from her mouth uncontrollably.

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